I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
