my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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