I never want to see another naked old woman again.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
