i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
