The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
