When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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