She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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