She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
