Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
