So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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