I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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