Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
