sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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