when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
