Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We had to coat check the pizza.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
