everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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