i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
