So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
