if you like me you must not know who I am
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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