I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
