I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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