Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
