does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
