god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
