She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
