I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
