I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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