i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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