everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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