i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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