Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
