mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
