U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Someone shit on the floor
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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