I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
