My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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