I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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