How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
