Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
