Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
