Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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