just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
