her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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