I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
