she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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