Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
