Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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