And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
