Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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