You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
