shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
