im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
