did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
...so i touched it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
