party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
