Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
