why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
