he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
